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Old 11-17-2006, 12:00 PM   #1
_Wolf_
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Default i am a steroid

Yup that's right. I've been busy steeling other peoples posts again! ;)



"I am a steroid"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is from a florida news papper

I am a steroid, and I am mad.

Why have I become such a bad word in this country when I do so much good in this world?

Why has my honorable name been soiled just because a few dishonorable athletes have abused me?

Renowned doctors worldwide have called me a wonder drug, but I am being portrayed nationally as the dirty little secret of the hulked-up, bulked-up juicers in Major League Baseball. I am actually being painted by grandstanding politicians as a death sentence for the youth of America.

Let me tell you something. My job is to rescue kids, not kill them. I have saved thousands upon thousands of premature babies who are injected with me to help their little lungs develop quickly so they can breath, so they can live. Without me, these babies, some of whom don't even weigh 1 pound, would be killed by something called "Respiratory Distress Syndrome" -- a sometimes fatal disorder where the air sacs collapse in their underdeveloped lungs.

"There's no question that steroids have saved the lives of many babies," says Dr. David Auerbach, the director of the neonatal intensive care unit at the Arnold Palmer Hospital for Children. "They've had an incredible impact. There are times when they are the difference between life and death."

You see, it was always my intention to help the many sick people who need me, not the few sickos who exploit me. It was never my desire to help Barry Bonds grow muscles. It was always my mission to shrink tumors in cancer patients.

That's right, I have become one of the major medical combatants in the fight against cancer. I help patients overcome the nauseous effects of chemotherapy. I simultaneously help build up their strength while tearing down the disease. And sometimes, when all is lost, I am prescribed in the advanced stages of terminal cancer to help victims cope -- to increase their appetite, to make them feel better.

"There are some steroids that will literally destroy cancer," says Dr. Clarence Brown, the president of the M.D. Anderson Cancer Center here in town. "There are many patients who are alive and well because of steroids. I don't think any doctor would argue that steroids have saved a lot of lives -- many more lives than they have cost."

Actually, I'm not so sure that I've been directly responsible for taking a single life. Everybody always brings up the name Lyle Alzado -- the former Oakland Raider steroid abuser who died in 1992. Has anybody bothered to check out Alzado's cause of death? Everybody just assumes it was me. But doctors say he died of complications from brain cancer, and there is absolutely no medical evidence that I cause brain cancer.

Much has been made by self-indulgent politicians about how I'm becoming an epidemic among America's teenagers. This was the contrived reason they gave for holding a congressional hearing last week on baseball players who use me. Really, it was just so these politicians could see themselves on SportsCenter.

The fact is that less than 1 percent of college and high school students have ever taken me recreationally. Compare that with the nearly 25 percent who have smoked cigarettes, 30 percent who have used marijuana and 80 percent who have consumed alcohol.

Considering the number of teenagers who die every year as the result of drunk driving, I suggest our federal government forget about me and hold a congressional hearing on the hard liquor ads NASCAR allows on the sides of its racecars.

And considering the number of teenagers who pollute their lungs with nicotine, maybe we should hold a congressional hearing on why the PGA Tour still allows its "athletes" to smoke cigarettes during competition.

Unlike these other drugs, I save people and benefit society. I help breathe life into new babies and comfort old people who are taking their last breaths. Everywhere you look, there is somebody I've cured or strengthened.

In fact, the writer of this column has a daughter who, while still in the womb, was given steroids to help her survive. Jessica is now a healthy, beautiful and intelligent 5-year-old who some believe will become the first woman president of the United States.

And the editor of this column was seriously ill five years ago and was given steroids to successfully reduce swelling in his liver due to a chronic condition. He continues to be a loud, obnoxious Bostonian who has lived long enough to finally see his Red Sox win a World Series.

I am a steroid, and I am a good drug.

So just leave me alone and let me do my job

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Old 11-17-2006, 08:18 PM   #2
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A vet I used to work for would always say, "no one should die without the benefit of steroids" (speaking of animals). But it's true.

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If you act sanctimonious I will just list out your logical fallacies until you get pissed off and spew blasphemous remarks.
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