Jokes
 

"Californians"
>
> So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, you know you're from California if:
>
> 1. Your coworker has 8 body piercing's and none are visible.
>
> 2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
>
> 3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
>
> 4. Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.
>
> 5. You can't remember . . . . is pot illegal?
>
> 6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
>
> 7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
>
> 8. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?
>
> 9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
>
> 10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
>
> 11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
>
> 12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
>
> 13. You can't remember . . . .is pot illegal?
>
> 14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."
>
> 15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.
>
> 16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather - related accidents.
>
> 17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????
>
> 18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.
>
> 19. The Terminator is your State Governor.
>
> 20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one!!!

May be we should get arnold to make pot legal, that way I can just drive to Cali, pick up 100 pounds and come back to GA.

A man walks into a bar.



Ouch.

Two Irish men leave a bar.

Hey, it could happen! :D

Hah!
 

Okay that totally cracked me up. My wife is total cracka' Irish (with Potato eatin' Mick parents) and I just shot my strawberry/banana smoothy out my nose when I read that.

Thanks Doc

Rave'

:D

p.s. - I was going to post Taurus's training regimine on this "Jokes" thread as a cheap laugh, but then I thought that would be too cruel. Plus he lives close enough to hunt me down. :D

...rat bastid....
 

Taurus, you rat bastid, you beat me to posting on this thread. :D

A little girl gets lost in the Mall and goes up to a security guard and says, “I can’t find my Grandpa”.
The security guard says, “What’s he like”?

The little girl says, “Young women and Jack Daniels”.

What's the best thing about getting some head?



Ten to fifteen minutes of silence. :p

Stupid?

Q: What did one strawberry say to another strawberry?
A: If you weren't so fresh, we wouldn't be in this jam!!
:p

Guy: Excuse me, is your name Gillette?
Girl: No, Why?
Guy: Because you're the best a man can get!

:cool: :D

im seriously tempted to say this to some random girl just for her response lol

Let us know how it turns out. LOL

I hope he dont get bitch slapped :D :D

Well that depends on what he looks like :eek:

Verbatim, me and 311 got ur back :D Ofcourse I will be the first one to take off if any trouble arises.

I can believe that. :D :D

I wont blame u GD, I talk too much smack for my size my friends call me SmackDaddy :D :D

lol i dont think i will at least i hope not i have off today and tommorow from school so i havent had the chance to do it yet...cant wait till monday, worse comes to worse she says no, i just hope she doesnt have a boyfreind with alot of bigger freinds....guarddog do u know of any body guards in the new york area? jk ill tell u all what happens monday

SmackDaddy...LOL

Can't wait to hear how it goes. If you need backup, look in the phone book for a guy named Vinny. ;)

311, give that kid ur phone number :D He needs back up, I am not big enough.

GD, who's Vinny? Is that ur name??

HAHA. No, not me.

Sounds like a mafioso name. :cool:

ok i made a promise to tell a girl the gillette joke...and since it is monday i did it. i just said the pick up line and the girl went...hahahahahha thats good and walked away. im going to try and think of some more and try them out :D not on the same person of course though

better luck next time. :D

Hey Verbatum, it doesn't sound like you struck out. She laughed at your line which means she thought you were funny. So there is still some hope. You just got to work on the presentation follow up and not let her walk away. Try to keep the conversation going. Now if she threw a drink in your face, or slapped you, then I'd say you bombed out. :D

lol yea thats true but i wasnt actually trying to pick her up just get a response, but better luck next time :)

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about
1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his
parents gave him.
Then he gets an idea. He calls his Redneck father. "Dad," he says, "you
won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with!
Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to
talk!" "That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him
in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says,
"I'll get him into the course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About
2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his
father again.
"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't
believe this - they've had such good results with this program, that
they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ !?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him
in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the
money.
The boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out
that
the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Fido? I just
can't wait to see him talk and read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got
out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the
recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he
turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with
that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that lyin' son of a bitch!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy

LMAO
That was funny and I know funny. :D

Oldy but a goody
 

never laughed so hard, I hope it does it for you guys too!

Notes From An Inexperienced Chilli Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting
Texas from the East Coast: "Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge
at a chilli cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment
and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to
the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges
(Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they
told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are
thescorecards from the event:

Chilli # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's
the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chilli # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chilli
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to
taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on
my face.

Chilli # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chilli! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer
before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced! from all the beer.

Chilli # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chilli an aphrodisiac?

Chilli # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chilli using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no
longer focus my eyes. I farted an! d four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those
rednecks!

Chilli # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spice and
peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, she
must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my
ass with a snow cone!

Chilli #! 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel
a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is
made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli which slid unnoticed
out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt.
At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If
I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chilli # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chilli!
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chilli, neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell
over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chilli?
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

How To Shower Like a Woman



Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and Jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


How To Shower Like a Man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your arse.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your arse, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
<>Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

lmfao thats a good one dr X

Two guys walk into a bar.

The third one ducks.

Brain Teaser:

You're driving an empty bus.

At the first stop, 5 people get on
2nd stop, 3 get off, 1 gets on.
3rd stop, no one gets off, six get on
4th stop, 2 get off, 1 gets on
5th stop, 3 get off, no one gets on

Now, how old is the bus driver?

One more teaser:

Mary's Mother had four daughters:

The first one was named Penny
The second was named Nickel
The third was named Dime

What is the name of the fourth daughter?

first one is how old you are so if ur 20 then thats the answer
other one is mary

can't get nuthin' past muscle!

You whiz around the corner in your rented moped when suddenly you're forced to come to a sudden stop.

It seems a funeral procession has stopped for a quick breather. Empathy overwhelms you and you offer your condolences to the whimpering man nearby. "Were you close?" you ask, wishing you hadn't.

After a moment, the man replies, "Brothers and sisters I have none, that man's father is my father's son."

That sounds sarcastic, you think to yourself. Maybe the guy doesn't want to tell you, which is fine, but there's no reason to be a smartass about it.

Or, perhaps the clever among can see this is the real answer.

OOOOOHHHHHHH! It took me so lonmg to get the my father his father thing! I'm sucha jerk. Oh well.

See next post for another teaser...