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Need "Mature" Male Input Please



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Old 11-19-2007, 09:47 PM
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Default Need "Mature" Male Input Please

And by 'mature,' I mean the guys on here that are at least 25+. No offense to you younger guys. If you wanna chime in, go ahead ;)

So, to make a long story short, I'm going through a breakup. We were dating for about a year and a half. Lived together for a good portion of that time (which made the breakup even more complicated).

Now... he seems to be trying his damndest to play the victim role. Making sure that people feel pity for him, that I was the devil in the entire relationship. We both had our faults through this, but I feel in NO way that I was a primary cause for this. In his quest to play the victim, he's turned to making things up, and publically telling people these lies. He's emailed my mother (what a laugh that one was). He's emailed my friends. He's done everything to bring out his 'issues' except contact me and deal with them head on.

SOOOOO.... what my question here is....

Is it simply an ego thing that's making him act this way?

Because really, the breakup was a mutual thing. Albeit, it was a screaming match, but essentially it was a mutual understanding that I'd be moving out. So since the 'person to do the breaking up' is really not one or the other, is it just his male ego being crushed because things didn't work, and that's his reasoning behind trying to seem as though he's done no wrong?

The reason I ask is, this isn't the first time I've had this happen to me. Having someone go SO out of their way to try to berate me to anyone that would listen, while I've tried to maintain some sort of civlity through it all.

And btw, this guy is 35. So it's not a simple "he's young and stupid" kind of issue.

Perhaps I've just been really stupid in the choosing of the men I date and someone needs to give me a swift kick in the ass?
  #2  
Old 11-20-2007, 04:37 AM
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well i am 25 so i am just making the cut . me just looking at break ups in general i have a few opinions on why someone would do something like that.

first, he is going out of his way to tell all these people whatever he is telling them, because he realizes that majority of it is his fault or he is not willing to take any blame. he wants to tell everyone a story before you get to tell them anything. if he tells them a story, no matter what you tell them, people will always at the least consider his side of the story.


(dont take this next paragraph the wrong way)

second. you could have actually did him wrong but are only willing to take but so much blame. I have seen many many people be dead wrong and ask people for advice, and always wonder why they pick the people they pick when in all actuality they are the downfall of their relationships. i dont doubt anything you say, but i have ran into people that are just horrible


all in all. i do believe you. he is just not willing to take any blame at all. he wants everyone to look at you as the bad guy.........why?????? i have no idea. he can be doing it for many reason. he may want you to feel bad and get back with him, or he can be a legit a$$. the only way to get it to stop or get through this situation is to just act like it doesnt bother you. honestly, it shouldnt bother you. pay him and what he says no mind. the more you feed into it the worst it will get. people will believe what they want so just let it be. speak your peice pay him no mind and move on. it is much harder to do than it sounds, but thats what will make it better.
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Old 11-20-2007, 04:40 AM
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oh and no i dont think its an ego thing. people just have their perceptions on what is right and wrong. so a lot of the time, in their heads you did do them wrong. on the other hand they can just be liars. i think its either one or the other, more than it being an ego thing
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Old 11-20-2007, 04:57 AM
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That's probably his way of coping with it. A breakup involves a lot of emotions...it really is a lot to deal with. It's easier to blame other people. I kind of did something similar with my girlfriend when we broke up after 6 years...although I didn't tell other people or anything. That's just low emotional maturity/intelligence....it has nothing to do with age. I mentioned the way I felt and she straightened me out real quick...it was pretty much the same situation that you described. I'm not sure why I tried to blame her for it other than the fact that it was naturally the easiest way to deal with it. It was all subconscious too. I doubt that he realizes that he is being such a jackass just because it's a lot of stuff to keep in perspective...it really is a huge loss to lose someone. (The only example I could think of is if someone went into a casino and blew a lot of money...they might blame it on luck, the casino, other players, anything but themselves. I suppose it might have a little to do with ego.) You could talk to him about it if you haven't already, but whether he'll accept what you're telling him...I have no idea. He seems pretty stubborn and to have convinced himself that it was all your fault. At least if you try to talk to him, then you will know that you've done everything you can...

So I can't remember whether it's emotional maturity or emotional intelligence that he's lacking in...I think in his case, it's a little bit of both. Either way, give yourself a gentle kick in the ass. Sorry if all of that doesn't make sense... Gotta go to work. Good luck with things...time will help.
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Old 11-20-2007, 06:52 AM
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I know this is going to sound like the typical male response, so be it, I guess I'm a typical male

It doesnt matter who did what to who, or who's "fault" it was that you two broke up. What matters is that he is handling it like a child, letting his emotions dictate his words and actions regarding the relationship. You could explain it away by saying its a coping mechanism, or his ego cant handle it, or what ever. But when it comes right down to it, he needs to grow up, and stop acting like a bitch. We have all been hurt before, some people stand up and take it in stride, others crumble. If he is the type to fall apart over shit like this, your better off just taking the blame, and moving on.

My gf of 5 years broke up with me a few months back, and we had a similar situation. She said it was my fault for not wanting to fully commit, I said it was her fault for treating me like shit. After having that conversation 5-10 times, we both decided it just didnt matter anymore, and we didnt belong together.

I hope it all works out and you get past this without too much stress, sorry if the response was a little harsh.
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Old 11-20-2007, 01:32 PM
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some people just don't work...and it's nobody's fault.

hrdgain is teh rightz.

not an ego thing either i don't think.


maybe you should try e-harmony...i've had a lot of family/friends get hooked up and actually get married off of there and be really happy. nice to have them do some footwork for ya...
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Old 11-20-2007, 11:26 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hrdgain
After having that conversation 5-10 times, we both decided it just didnt matter anymore, and we didnt belong together.
Bingo! All this going back and forth between the two of you takes time out of your day. You really shouldn't bother sticking up for yourself and show him that what he's doing warrents a second out of your day. If it's over, its over. Your friends and family will obviously be on your side. The problem with the arguing over who did what to whom is that it still leaves everything out there (aka "hope"). It's the same thing as going back to his place once a week and say, "Oh, I forgot my coffee machine." Or calling each other after a few days being single. When you decide to move on, there's no being friends.. Not to mention zero contact. The faster you move out and the faster you erase his number, the faster you can get your life back in balance. I've told a lot of people that the only way you're going to enjoy life is to be completely selfish and only care about what happens to you.
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Old 11-21-2007, 11:14 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MONSTAFACE View Post
first, he is going out of his way to tell all these people whatever he is telling them, because he realizes that majority of it is his fault or he is not willing to take any blame. he wants to tell everyone a story before you get to tell them anything. if he tells them a story, no matter what you tell them, people will always at the least consider his side of the story.
I kinda figured that's what he was up to.

Quote:
(dont take this next paragraph the wrong way)

second. you could have actually did him wrong but are only willing to take but so much blame. I have seen many many people be dead wrong and ask people for advice, and always wonder why they pick the people they pick when in all actuality they are the downfall of their relationships. i dont doubt anything you say, but i have ran into people that are just horrible
No offense taken ;)

I fully admit that we both had our problems through the relationship. We just had VERY different ways of dealing with them. And his way always seemed to be just ignoring that there's even a problem and hope it goes away.

Quote:
all in all. i do believe you. he is just not willing to take any blame at all. he wants everyone to look at you as the bad guy.........why?????? i have no idea. he can be doing it for many reason. he may want you to feel bad and get back with him, or he can be a legit a$$. the only way to get it to stop or get through this situation is to just act like it doesnt bother you. honestly, it shouldnt bother you. pay him and what he says no mind. the more you feed into it the worst it will get. people will believe what they want so just let it be. speak your peice pay him no mind and move on. it is much harder to do than it sounds, but thats what will make it better.
For the most part, I have been ignoring the things he's been doing since the split. I knew he was going to get a little whiny and even vindictive. It's just when I find out that he's flat out lying to people that bothers me.

I've kept my mouth shut about it all. I could easily do the same kind of things that he's doing. But I haven't. I've tried to at least give him the respect that what happened between us belongs to still stay between us. It just sucks balls that he's acting like he has NO respect for me.
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Old 11-21-2007, 11:20 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ross86 View Post
That's probably his way of coping with it. A breakup involves a lot of emotions...it really is a lot to deal with. It's easier to blame other people. I kind of did something similar with my girlfriend when we broke up after 6 years...although I didn't tell other people or anything. That's just low emotional maturity/intelligence....it has nothing to do with age. I mentioned the way I felt and she straightened me out real quick...it was pretty much the same situation that you described. I'm not sure why I tried to blame her for it other than the fact that it was naturally the easiest way to deal with it. It was all subconscious too. I doubt that he realizes that he is being such a jackass just because it's a lot of stuff to keep in perspective...it really is a huge loss to lose someone. (The only example I could think of is if someone went into a casino and blew a lot of money...they might blame it on luck, the casino, other players, anything but themselves. I suppose it might have a little to do with ego.) You could talk to him about it if you haven't already, but whether he'll accept what you're telling him...I have no idea. He seems pretty stubborn and to have convinced himself that it was all your fault. At least if you try to talk to him, then you will know that you've done everything you can...

So I can't remember whether it's emotional maturity or emotional intelligence that he's lacking in...I think in his case, it's a little bit of both. Either way, give yourself a gentle kick in the ass. Sorry if all of that doesn't make sense... Gotta go to work. Good luck with things...time will help.
I haven't spoken to him since the day I picked up the rest of my things from his house. Which was a couple of weeks ago. Really, I'm not sure I WANT to talk to him about this. All the 'talking' I ever did while we were together always seemed to fall on deaf ears. Which was one of the issues we had that bothered the hell out of me.

I've thought about emailing him and just saying that when he's done being vindictive towards me and actually wants to talk to ME and not everyone else about everything, then he knows how to get a hold of me.

But at the same time, I almost feel like that would be egging him on. He's told a couple of people that if I wanted to come back, he'd love for us to get back together (like that's gonna happen ). So I don't want him thinking I'm extending some sort of apology by contacting him.

So for now, he won't be hearing from me.
  #10  
Old 11-21-2007, 11:27 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hrdgain81 View Post
I know this is going to sound like the typical male response, so be it, I guess I'm a typical male

It doesnt matter who did what to who, or who's "fault" it was that you two broke up. What matters is that he is handling it like a child, letting his emotions dictate his words and actions regarding the relationship. You could explain it away by saying its a coping mechanism, or his ego cant handle it, or what ever. But when it comes right down to it, he needs to grow up, and stop acting like a bitch. We have all been hurt before, some people stand up and take it in stride, others crumble. If he is the type to fall apart over shit like this, your better off just taking the blame, and moving on.

My gf of 5 years broke up with me a few months back, and we had a similar situation. She said it was my fault for not wanting to fully commit, I said it was her fault for treating me like shit. After having that conversation 5-10 times, we both decided it just didnt matter anymore, and we didnt belong together.

I hope it all works out and you get past this without too much stress, sorry if the response was a little harsh.
Not harsh at all. That's pretty much how I feel about it all... he needs to grow up and stop acting like a bitch The spite and cowardice makes me feel like I'm back in high school. Yeah, things went bad, but at this point in my life it seems like there should be a little more civility in situations like this
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