I'm just going to spill everything here.
Hello everyone! The name is Jarrod and I am 20 years old. I'm a small little fellow standing at 5'5" and I weight anywhere from 115-120 lbs. The heaviest I have ever really got was during my junior year of high school when I weighed 145 lbs. By the time I had been out of school for a year I was down to about 135 lbs. I have never really had an interest in body building or even working out for that matter. Being brutally honest, I just can't stay motivated. Ya know?
Well, I went to high school with this certain girl, but we werent close or anything like that. She was one of those high maintenanced girls that thought she was better than everyone, only everyone thought she was a joke and mocked her most of the time. Mostly because she made the statement one day that she thought she was too good for Victoria Secret and lied about having certain types of vehicles, having a false financial situation, etc.. During our junior year of high school I got stuck beside her in a Business class and if it wasn't for her I don't think I would have passed that class to be honest. She helped me a lot and we actually became distant friends. She found out she was pregnant by her 24 year old boyfriend during our senior year (we were 18). I spent a lot of nights online talking with her about the pains and excitement that she was going through finally getting to have the baby. In December 2006 he left her and told her that he wanted nothing to do with her or the baby. She and I continued to talk but never really got close enough or anything. I talked with her continuously about a couple new relationships she had got involved with and in July 07 she had her baby. I finally got to actually hold him in October 2007 because she and I volunteered with cub scouts in our area and from there we started spending time together but still nothing major. By May 2008 it was obvious that we had feelings for one another and she was very open to me about them. I made her give me time to make sure I was ready for the responsibility of taking care of a baby and by the next month (June 14th) she and I started dating. The baby was 10 months old.
It took NO TIME for me to get wrapped around that babies fingers even more than I was before and I soon found myself falling in love with this girl. (laugh at it, guys) Seriously, the first girl I had ever had feelings for. We basically lived together because I kept her and her son with me here at my parents or we would spend nights at her house. She tried to get me to move in with her constantly through what time we were together but I wouldn't because I was still having to use my mom's car to go to work and I couldn't use mom's car not living with her and still work so I told her to give me time to get a car. The baby was calling me daddy and everything. She and I even reached a point of talking engagement even though we hadnt been together but only a couple months. In the beginning of Oct. she finally got a job at a gas station working 3rd shift (10pm-6am). I should have known this was a mistake waiting to happen because here in West Virginia that's what time the coal miners and drunks on weekends come out having fun. Needless to say I started getting lied to. I found myself at home at night while she was out with "her girls" at the bar. The thing is.. guess who had the baby? Exactly. Me.
I was spending SO much more time with him than she was that he was kissing on my cheeks when he wanted to give someone love, would throw tantrums on her screaming for daddy when I was at work or here at my house instead of at hers, laid against my chest at night in bed with one arm over me and the other holding his bottle, etc.. The baby had me wrapped around his finger and I have NO PROBLEMS admitting that.
I started noticing her attitude was changing toward me. She was getting very irritable and started slapping me and talking to me like I wasn't worth anything. It got to the point to where I had family and friends trying to grab ahold of her over it and so she wouldn't come back around here, I had to go stay with her. I put up with it though because again, I really cared. Well, at the beginning of October when she got her job I bought the baby a Superman costume for Halloween. I told her that we would use that one for him up here where I live on the 30th (thats when we trick-or-treat) and then she could buy him one for the 31st and we'd take him out up there where she lived. She told me no. She told me that if I wanted him to have a costume to wear that I would buy it. SO! One day while she was at school I loaded up the baby and we took a trip over into town and bought him a Batman costume. I ended up spending a lil' over $250 on him with toys and clothes that day.
By the middle of October she and I were bickering at each other like mad. She was unhappy with me EXTREMELY because I finally started voicing my opinions on her going out to the bar and leaving me and the baby alone. [it seems odd telling this story as a guy, lol.] The bar is just NOT my thing.
On Oct. 28th got into it at about 12am. I asked her to take me home (she picked me up earlier that night so mom could keep her car) but she refused to take me home because the baby was already in bed. I grabbed the phone and tried to call home but she pulled the line out of it. I grabbed my hoodie and tried to leave but she stopped me at the door. Asked me why I was leaving her and I told her that I didnt want to be there and be arguing. I had literally dealt with SO much for her that I was tired of it. I was tired of my own family turning their back on me for staying with someone that treated me dirty. She wouldn't let me leave, took my hoodie, and told me to go get in the bed. So, I did. It wasn't long after that I felt her come get into the bed behind me and her arm went around me. She knew she had messed up and somehow I still managed to fall asleep. At 5:30am I woke up and rolled over to her in the bed. I had a small conversation with her BUT she was asleep and I didn't care. I kissed her on the forehead, got out of the bed, and called home. When my sister got there I returned to the room, kissed her and the baby again, and left. It was our break-up.
The next day she returned my stuff to me and I gave her everything I had of theres. She told me that I was still allowed to come see the baby any time I wanted to (as long as I didnt bring any girls should I get a new gf), I could still keep him, take him out, and he'd still know me as daddy. It didn't happen that way.
ONE week later I went to the house to see her. She was on the phone with a guy and he told her something about getting wet while he was at work and she made the statement that THAT was her job. Basically throwing it in my face. She told him I was there and everything and I went and picked the baby up from his crib and he smiled. He started loving on me in front of her and she made him stop. I said, "is he not allowed to love on daddy, anymore?" and then she followed wiht.. "you're now to be called bubby.. I dont want to confuse him." It literally broke my heart and again.. not one bit afraid to admit that.
I kept in touch with them still.. and on my birthday she and I went out to dinner and then back to her house so I could spend time with the baby. She fell asleep on me and so after I got the baby asleep and in his crib I turned the lights out and left. SHe called me at 8 that night before going to work and told me that she had been doing some thinking about us. I asked her what she was talking about and she said that she woke up and I was gone, she wasn't use to that. I asked her what she expected from me? The baby was asleep, she was asleep, and I'm sure that her new man wouldn't want me in the bed with her. lol. She said she wanted to call me from work when she got there because she wanted to talk to me.
We were going to get back together. From November to December we talked about getting back together even though she and this dude (who by the way was 30 years old and married (going through a divorce though)) were still "seeing each other. I went to see the baby on December 17th and she was showing me all the stuff she had bought for this man and his daughter.. told me that the baby hold been hollering for me all morning long, etc.. I finally got to the point to where I wanted to give us another try. Somewhere from the 17th to the 24th.. she managed to get with a NEW guy.. I called on the 24th to tell her I was coming up and the first thing out of her mouth was.. "well, the baby and i have company. its my boyfriend." He's 18 years old. Again.. I felt destroyed. I didn't go anywhere. I gave the gift to a young family here near me that had some financial trouble before christmas and had a baby boy that was 10 months. I asked her what happened to us and she said.. "I'm sorry, but we've just got a difference in lifestyles and I'm too young to be settling down right now." I've not talked to them since then but I know he moved in with her on Christmas day and they're now getting married.
Now, I'm sorry that you guys had to read all of that but I wanted to make sure that everyone understand why I'm wanting to start working out. Since all of this.. I have lost 20 pounds and I now weight 115 lbs. I've had a couple break downs and a suicide attempt barely over a week ago. My life has got to change. This girl took my heart and she ripped it out. I should have known it was going to happen though because of all the crap she was putting me through while we were together. I should have walked away the first time I was disrespected.
I was basically abused verbally and physically.. (we are the same size in weight and height so now it's not like some 300 lbs girl was beating on me) she was checking the babies daddys myspace from my house all the time.. the baby NEVER got to play in his floor at home and she tried making him sleep in a car seat. WHICH he did until I came along and told her that he needed to be in a crib or the bed with us and so she started letting him. I cleaned her apartment for her a couple times and there was mold and maggots in dishes. She pawns the baby off on her mom or 12 year old girls so she can go out on Fridays..
Just trying to make sure that everyone understands how much I was really hurt and why I want this new life and new change. I never had motivation, but now I do. It's my health and my life that I have got to turn around. I'm sure after reading all of that you guys are thinking along the lines of.. puss or queer.. lol.. but I can't sit here and even begin to explain with words how that baby had captured me and turned my life around.
I feel bad that I haven't seen the baby since mid-December. I feel like I neglected him just like his father did.. and that eats me alive everyday.. but guys I seriously cannot go through being talked down to and having this guy rubbed in my face. Say what you want about it.. but I'm not that strong of a dude when it comes to dealing with my emotions. Once they're attached.. they're attached. It has been three months since she and I broke up.. almost a month since we talked.. and every morning she and that baby are STILL the first thing on my mind when I wake up.. the last thing on my mind when I go to bed. When someone talks about getting married I want to throw up.. and when I hear of new babies being born or someone brings their baby around me it's just too hard for me to have anything to do with them. I've her members of her family come and talk to me, her friends, my family, and my friends.. I was told by her own father that I was basically trying to raise TWO children and that he was sorry that I had to go through this. He told me I was the first guy that came into her life that accepted them both.. and that he was proud of me as a man even if no one else was for the time that she and I was together.
SO YEAH.. guys.. that's why I'm here. Sometimes I have motivation issues and don't even want to roll out of the bed.. but I know I got to. I know life goes on and I'll meet a girl one day and if the good lord blesses me enough.. I'll be holding my own children one day that no one can take from me. I want to do this bad for my own health and own physical attraction.. and I really hope that you guys will help me stay focused and motivated. I know NEXT TO NOTHING about any of this.. it all confuses me.. nutrition, calories, proteins, etc.. I just need some help but I promise that I am not wasting ANYONES time.