never laughed so hard, I hope it does it for you guys too!
Notes From An Inexperienced Chilli Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting
Texas from the East Coast: "Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge
at a chilli cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment
and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to
the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges
(Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they
told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are
thescorecards from the event:
Chilli # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's
the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chilli # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chilli
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to
taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on
Chilli # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chilli! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer
before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced! from all the beer.
Chilli # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chilli an aphrodisiac?
Chilli # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chilli using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no
longer focus my eyes. I farted an! d four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those
Chilli # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spice and
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, she
must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my
ass with a snow cone!
Chilli #! 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel
a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is
made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli which slid unnoticed
out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt.
At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If
I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chilli # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chilli!
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chilli, neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell
over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chilli?
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)