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  #51  
Old 06-14-2005, 07:48 PM
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A guy, new in town walks into the local tavern. On the bar is a pickle jar full of 5's. He asks the bartender, "Hey, are those your tips? If so, I want a job here!"
The bartender says: "No. I have a horse out back. You put 5 bucks in the jar and if you can make him laugh, you can have the whole thing."
The new guy says, "Good enough." he puts a fin in the jar and goes out back. In a minute the horse is laughing like anything. The guy comes out, grabs the money and says, "Thank you very much."

A month later the guy goes back tot he bar. This time there are two jars filled with tens. he says to the bartender: "What's this for? Do I have to make him laugh again?"
"No," say the barkeep, "you have to make him cry."
"good enough our patron says. He goes in the back, and a minute later the horse is bawling his eyes out. The guy comes back, grabs the cash and is about to leave.
The bartender says, "Whoa buddy. You gotta tell me how you did that! That first contest was going on for months and no one was able to make that horse crack a smile. Then after you did it there must have been a hundred people go back there and not even a misty eye. Pelase tell me your secret."
"Okay," the guy says. "The first time I went back there and told him my cock was bigger than his." pause. "The second time I showed him."
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  #52  
Old 06-30-2005, 06:09 AM
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so yesterday I'm in the bank, and this old guy in a white coat is filling out a deposit slip. I look over and he has a name tag that says doctor tweller, and he seems to be having a hard time filling out the form.

so I lean over, and he is trying to write with a thermometor. So, as tactfully as possible, I say to him quietly, doc, thats a thermometor, not a pen. he looks puzzled for a second, smiles and says "god dammit, then some asshole has my good pen"
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  #53  
Old 07-01-2005, 10:29 AM
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A tour bus driver is driving a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on the shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times. After the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth - they are not able to chew them.

"Then why do you buy them?" he asks puzzled. The old lady answers,
"We just love the chocolate around them.".............
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  #54  
Old 07-01-2005, 10:34 AM
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A tour bus driver is driving a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on the shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times. After the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth - they are not able to chew them.

"Then why do you buy them?" he asks puzzled. The old lady answers,
"We just love the chocolate around them.".............
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  #55  
Old 07-01-2005, 05:20 PM
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lmfao funny but disgusting
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  #56  
Old 07-11-2005, 06:32 AM
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here is a little hardgain brain teaser for ya.

you are out at a bar one night, get sloshed, go home with some chick. when you wake up in her one story apartment and you look around in amazement. you hadnt noticed in your drunken stuper, but all the walls of the apartment are bright green, the windows are bright green, the floor is bright green ... you start to wonder what prize you picked up last night. the bathroom is all bright green, the toilet, the shower head, even the bed posts that you had been tied too last night are bright green. the only question remains is ... what color are the steps?
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  #57  
Old 07-11-2005, 06:45 PM
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They could be bright green if you're hungover enough. But in a one story apartment, I'd be a little nervous if I even saw any steps.
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  #58  
Old 07-11-2005, 06:49 PM
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What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing you haven't told her twice...
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  #59  
Old 07-11-2005, 08:03 PM
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I saw Michael Jackson in the Super Walmart tonight.


I guess he heard young men's jeans were half off.
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  #60  
Old 07-12-2005, 06:24 AM
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Okay,since we're on MJ:

Did you hear MJ is doing a cover of an Elton John song? "Don't Let Your Son Go Down On Me"
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