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Old 05-09-2006, 01:28 PM
Darkhorse Darkhorse is offline
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Default Useless Comedy

This one will get you thinking..

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over
a year and so we decided to get married. There was one
thing bothering me...it was her beautiful younger
sister. My future sister-in-law was twenty-two and
wore very tight miniskirts, and was generally braless.
She would regularly bend when she was near me, and I
always got more than a pleasant view of her private
parts. It had to be deliberate. One day her little
sister called and asked me to come over and check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and
she whispered to me that she wanted to make love just
once before I got married and
committed my life to her sister.

She said, "I am going to my bedroom and if you want
one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go
up the stairs.

When she reached the top she pulled off her panties
and threw them to me.

I stood there for a moment then turned and made a
beeline to my car.
I opened the door and low and behold, my entire
future family was standing outside, all clapping.

With tears in his eyes my future father-in-law
hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you
have passed our little test.

we could not ask for a better man for our daughter.

Welcome to the family!"

Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in the

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Old 05-09-2006, 01:32 PM
Darkhorse Darkhorse is offline
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Default Military Humor

Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a
long commercial flight.
After they're airborne and the plane has leveled
off, the man in the window seat abruptly says,
distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice,
"Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married,
two sons, both surgeons."

After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat
states through a tight lipped smile, "Admiral,
United States Coast Guard, retired.
Married, two sons, both Judges."

After some thought, the fellow in the center
seat decides to introduce himself. With a
twinkle in his eye he proclaims, "Master Gunnery
Sergeant, United States Marines, retired Never
married, two sons, both Admirals.

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was
driving down a muddy back road encountered another
car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at
the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the
lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and
handing him the keys, "Yours is."


Having just moved into his new office, a pompous,
new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman
knocked on the door.
Conscious of his new position, the colonel
quickly picked up the phone, told the airman
to enter, and then said into the phone, "Yes,
General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and
I'll pass along your message.
In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes,
sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently
impressed the young enlisted man, he asked,
"What do you want?" "Nothing important,
sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook
up your telephone."


Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer!
Now let's try it again! Do you have change for
a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at
your party?
A: He'll tell you.

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.


An Air Force chief master sergeant and a general
were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just
getting finished with their shaves, when the
barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on
their faces. The general shouted, "Hey, don't put
that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been
in a whorehouse!" The sergeant turned to his barber
and said, "Go ahead and put it on me. My wife
doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse
smells like."

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy chief to the
bewildered seaman, "I suppose after you get
discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting
for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave."
"Not me, Chief!" the seaman replied. "Once I get
out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line


The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris
by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his
passport. "You 'ave been to France before,
monsieur?" the customs officer asked
sarcastically. The old gent admitted that he had
been to France previously. "Zen, you should know
enough to 'ave your passport ready for inspection."
The American said, "The last time I was here, I
didn't have to show it." "Impossible. You Americans
alwayz 'ave to show your passports on arrival in
France!" The American senior gave the Frenchman a
long hard look. Then he quietly explained, "Well,
when I came ashore at Omaha Beach in '44 I
couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."
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Old 05-09-2006, 01:35 PM
Darkhorse Darkhorse is offline
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Default Voo-Doo Dick

There was this businessman who was getting
ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his
wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try
to get her something to keep her occupied while he
was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of
her screwing someone else. So he went to a store
that sold sex toys and started looking around. He
thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was
too close to another man for him. He was browsing
through the dildos, looking for something special to
please his wife, and started talking to the old man
behind the counter. He explained his situation.

The old man said, "Well, I don't really know
of anything that will do the trick. We have
vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on,
but I don't know of anything that will keep her
occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but
there is the 'voodoo dick.'"

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he

The old man reached under the counter, and
pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange
symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very
ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and
said "Big freaking deal. It looks like every other
dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen
what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said
"Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of
its box, darted over to the door, and started
screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the
vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle.
Before the door could split, the old man said
"Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick
stopped, floated back to the box and lay there,
quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for
sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a
special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do
was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his
trip satisfied that things would be fine while he
was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was
unbearably horny. She thought of several people who
would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered
the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo
dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch
and started pumping. It was great, like nothing
she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms,
she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it
out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She
tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked.
Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it
off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if
they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the
car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering
with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another
orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she
was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her
license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained that she
hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was
stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The
officer looked at her for a second, and then said

"Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"
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Old 05-09-2006, 01:49 PM
Darkhorse Darkhorse is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2005
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A young guy from Texas moves to California and
goes to one of those big "everything under one roof"
stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you
have any sales experience?"

The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back
home in Texas."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close
and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got
through it. After the store was locked up, the boss
came down to see how things went.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The young man replied without hesitating,

The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people
average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale

The kid said, "$101,237.64."

The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell
did you sell?!" the kid said, "First I sold him a
small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook.
Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him
a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was
going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I
told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down
to the boat department and I sold him that twin-
engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his
Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the
automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer."

Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here
to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a

"No, he came here to buy a box of tampons for
his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you
might as well go fishing.'"
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