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Old 07-12-2005, 08:48 AM
verbatimreturned verbatimreturned is offline
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Old 08-08-2005, 12:35 PM
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Dr X Dr X is offline
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A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day she calls
home and a strange woman answers.

Wife: Who is this?
Maid: This is the maid.
Wife: We don't have a maid.
Maid: I was hired this morning by the man of the house
Wife: Well, this is his wife. Is he there?
Maid: He's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I assumed
was his wife.

The wife is fuming. She says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to

make $50,000?

Maid: Of course! What will I have to do?
Wife: I want you to take my gun from the desk and shoot him and
the woman he's with.

The maid puts the! phone down. The wife hears footsteps, then
gunshots, then more footsteps.

Maid: What do I do with the bodies?
Wife: Just drag them out and throw them in the swimming pool.
Maid: There's no pool here.

A long pause....................................

Wife: Is this 327-2837?
The Fool say in his heart "There is no God"
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Old 08-09-2005, 07:11 AM
verbatimreturned verbatimreturned is offline
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lmfao funny stuff
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Old 05-08-2008, 06:43 PM
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Ross86 Ross86 is offline
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Why do sorority girls have TGIF on their shirts?
Tits go in front.

Why do sorority girls wear hoop earring's?
They have to have some place to rest their ankles.

What's the first thing a sorority girl does in the morning?
-Introduces herself.
-Walks home.

What is the difference between a sorority girl and a 747?
Not everyone has been in a 747

What is the difference between butter and a sorority girl?
Butter is difficult to spread.

What does a sorority girl say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.

What do you call a sorority girl with a dollar on the top of her head?
All you can eat, under a buck.

What do you call two nuns and a sorority girl?
Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

What do sorority girls say after sex?
Thanks Guys.

What is the connection between a sorority girl and a halogen headlamp?
They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort.

What do a moped and a fat chick have in common?
They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.

What's the quickest way to get into a sorority girls pants?
Pick them up off the floor

What did the sorority girl say when asked if she'd ever been picked
up by 'the fuzz'?
No. But I've been swung around by the tits.'

What did the sorority girl's right leg say to the left leg.
Nothing - they've never met.

What's a sorority girl's favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpme Dumpme.

Why is a sorority girl like a door knob?
'Cause everybody gets a turn.

Why is 68 the maximum speed for sorority girls?
Because at 69 they blow a rod...

Why is a sorority girl like an old washing machine?
They both drip when they're fucked.

A sorority girl was telling a priest a Pollock joke, when halfway
through the priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Polish?" "Oh,
I'm sorry," the sorority girl apologizes, "do you want me to start
over and talk slower?"

Why are only 2% of sorority girls touch-typists?
The rest are hunt'n peckers.

What's the mating call of the sorority girl?
"I'm *sooo* drunk!"

What is the mating call of the ugly sorority girl?
(Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"

What's the difference between a sorority girl and an ironing board?
It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

What do the Bermuda Triangle and sorority girls have in common?
They've both swallowed a lot of semen.

How do you tell when a sorority girl reaches orgasm?
-She drops her nail-file!
-Who cares?
-She says, "Next".
-The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder.
-He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes.
-I mean, who really cares?
-The batteries have run out.

How does a sorority girl like her eggs?

What is the best sorority girl secretary in the world to have?
One that never misses a period.

How is a sorority girl like a frying pan?
You have to get them hot before you put in the meat.

How does a sorority girl interpret 6.9?
A 69 interrupted by a period.

Why does a sorority girl have fur on the hem of her dress?
To keep her ankles warm.

What do you call a sorority girl with a runny nose?

Why don't sorority girls talk when having sex?
-Their mothers told them not to talk to strangers.
-Their mothers told them not with their mouths full.

What's the difference between a sorority girl and a guy?
The sorority girl has the higher sperm count.

What is the difference between a sorority girl and a toilet?
A toilet won't follow you around after you use it.

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Old 05-09-2008, 03:33 PM
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widdoes2504 widdoes2504 is offline
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Old 05-09-2008, 04:24 PM
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Pitysister Pitysister is offline
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Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.

When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.

Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said, "don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.

Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly 'get out of jail free' card.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris invented water.

Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, "always leave things the way you found em!"

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.

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And when you seek forgiveness
You will see there is no god
And for all eternity
You will cry my name
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Old 05-09-2008, 05:20 PM
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hrdgain81 hrdgain81 is offline
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This is the best "clean" joke I know, I use it whenever I have to tell a child a joke.

what do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?

elephino (hell if I know)

I don't do this for my family, my friends, women, accolades, pride, or ego. I do it for me and no one else, its just part of who I am.
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Old 05-09-2008, 05:26 PM
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Ross86 Ross86 is offline
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Haha that is a good one. I'm glad I found this thread. I'm surprised no one else dug it up sooner.
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Old 05-09-2008, 05:27 PM
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hrdgain81 hrdgain81 is offline
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I'm glad you did too, been at work over 12hrs, needed a good laugh.
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Old 05-09-2008, 05:29 PM
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Pitysister Pitysister is offline
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and ross is always yelling at people for digging up old threads........................................... .

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